Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
No way!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.