@SaraMansford: My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I'm not even the best mom in my house anymore.
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@TheTweetOfGod: You know how when you're in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That's Me. I love you.
@iLikeCatShirts: [Red Lobster] Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp. Me: bring me the endless shrimp <5 days later> Waiter: please leave, I have a family