My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I created you as mosquito food.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.