@skizzyl: My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle.
@GonzoVice: You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.
@rockymomax: [wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
@osigat: I've been called a lot of names but "designated driver" was never one of them.
@realHamOnWry: *smudges lipstick*
*gets mascara on earlobe*
*never tries make-up sex again*
@pleatedjeans: [cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN