@skizzyl: My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle.
@DanMentos: [last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
@Adyaces: The first time I stayed at my girlfriends' house, her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Shame, he's very attractive.
@LisaACOTA: Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.
@panmidwest: FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME: to what?
@kumailn: "I'm old." -everyone over the age of 18