ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*