@skizzyl: My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle.
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@flashember: Meow meow meow [Wife comes home early] MEOW! *cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack* THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
@panmidwest: FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE: you're tall for a woman [she gets real mad right here] *place hand on hers* but the perfect height for an angel
@AdamOfEarth: Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today's class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you're here now, you failed.
@simoncholland: A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.