[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat