My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does