@ElKnuckelhombre: My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@joe_binkley: (Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?
@silvertongue37: I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.
@HellRaisingHell: Finally found a job ad that didn't mention 'attention to detail' or 'team player'. Finally!
@Illiter8: The tattoos in your shirtless avi say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.