My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Found the job I’m suited for
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
grotesque if literal: baby food
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
the official breakfast of 2021
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.