@ElKnuckelhombre: My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@MatCro: NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike [boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself] PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
@iamch0pper: if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "in jesus name amen"
@1followernodad: the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks