My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I am also baked goods
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?