My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither