Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
This was the best day of my life
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]