My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise