sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.