Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
That’s what I call a flat tire
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Why soy sad?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this