@KamaroPayne: My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good
@heatherlou_: If you're moving to a new house for a "fresh start," congratulations your new house is haunted.
@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
@rachelle_mandik: the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free