@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.
@dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. Me: He didn't. But watch this. [I make the doll do a backflip] Judge: Holy shit lol
@WiseguyPictures: Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
@MableGertrude: If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.