My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.