@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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@EliTerry: another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
@jonnysun: [puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@HonestToddler: They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
@ericonederful: I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.