My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
You Might Also Like
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.