My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
*launders Kohls cash*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”