@KellyMeldrum: My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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@WheelTod: When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
@TheCatWhisprer: ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
@UNTRESOR: I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
@donewithalll: Why does Mommy always say no? Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you'd have 20 more siblings. #Friyay