@KellyMeldrum: My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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@Reverend_Scott: *bark* "What's that Lassie?" *bark bark* "Timmy's stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?" *bark* "Ooh, dinnertime."
@stuckinaportal: god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate bob: karen! god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
@Gre_Gone: [coming through customs] Okay Sir 1 last thing before we're done. Is there anything you'd like to declare? *slams passport* "I've had sex."
@chuuew: [baby taking first step] ME: OMG! He's doing it! BABY: My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic