My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
peeping toms
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.