My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.