My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
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me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
How dude HOW?!
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is