My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
me after eating Cheetos
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life