My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Can’t stop laughing
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.