Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Yoga Matt
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.