My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
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Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean