My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
You Might Also Like
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.