My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.