My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.