My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco