@MamaFizzles: My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don't know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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@: Me: look at this stupid thing lol Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it's like a father to me
@deardilettante: I'm meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he'll be deleting my number in a few hours.
@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
@garrydavenport: *weigh myself* Hmmmm... *weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter* Ah these are more accurate...