My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?