My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Shower sex be like:
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Breaking news:
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this