My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
meanwhile over on facebook
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
the last thing a carrot sees
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine