@sarcasticmommy4: My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.
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@Scott_A_Gilmore: Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.
@KelleysBreakRm: When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
@DangOlWill: *Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair's fair here's twenty dollars
@QuiteQuietOne: Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.