My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”