My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none