@XplodingUnicorn: My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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@Gooooats: According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
@DevilryFun: I do my best speed walking when I'm trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
@Erroneous_Me: I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol, and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him. Don't tell him I have more than one pair.