@XplodingUnicorn: My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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@trevso_electric: One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.
@lemmywinkler: The "oops, wrong hole" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.
@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars