My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”