[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine