My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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I have a type: disappointing
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I want this so bad
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
put ‘er there pardner!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?