Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
That 👊
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
#dalle2
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
We all have our pet causes.