@Sean_Hegarty: My laptop has a Miley Virus. It's stopped twerking.
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@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
@jenlaw_11: Sometimes in the 'special talents' section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
@ColorMeScradd: MAN!! My boss is always all "Blah blah blah!", "You're late!", and "Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!"