My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Life is a suicide mission.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
no
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am