my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.