My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Need WebMD
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Does it…does it take 3 days