@KayArePea: My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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@edanto_: Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like "You guys don't know her very well"
@daemonic3: "KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE'RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!" -- Centipede parents
@CollegeHumor: Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than "horsemeat".
@krishna_van: Been playing hide n' seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.