@nbadag: [trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair] so what do you do for a living

@vinfury: Asterisks are awesome. *tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*

@missteenussr: Never feel like you're too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

@Coastiefish: My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida. I call it "No air conditioning".

@rushoffailure: "Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days" SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID