@JermHimselfish: I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

@ch000ch: my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we're considering adopting

@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*

@UnFitz: Tip: "At the same time" has more characters than "simultaneously." The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

@Donna_McCoy: What do we want? "A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION" When do we want it? "Whatever, you decide. You're the smart one."