Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Just so funny
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Not all heroes wear capes.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?