Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute