My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Coffee for people with no kids
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I like crazy people until they notice me
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one