My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
what it’s like dating me:
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”