My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
That de-escalated quickly
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”