My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
one last job
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.