@El_nacho_Nigre: My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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@sixfootcandy: Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get? Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda. Husband: So get the blue stuff? Me: Yes.
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
@InternetHippo: [thoughts of person talking to me]: He's furrowing his brow, he must really be listening! [my brain]: How do cows make cheese
@_coryrichardson: me: why does no one like me therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons