My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]