My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Did I do this right
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
(yawn)
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?