My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally