@garrydavenport: My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."
@GeauxSaints79: M: Are you gonna eat that baby? Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O' M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.
@Mikecanrant: In my most recent study, Ive found that saying "I'll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot" to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.